My Favorite Zombie 2010

Children Shouldn’t Listen to Zombie Lovers! by MIKE SCHNEIDER

Back in 2008, I had just graduated from college and was staying at my parents house. One of my sister’s friends had ‘adopted’ my mother and was over their house regularly with her 3-year-old daughter. From time to time, I would be asked if I could watch the kid while they went out shopping. I would teach her to draw, we’d play a game or I’d throw on a movie. Playing ‘Zombies’ quickly became our clumsy and horrific version of tag. After being ‘bitten’ you would get really sick, collapse and then get back up shuffling awkwardly either after someone else… or if everyone was already turned she would stumble around trying to ‘eat’ the dog.

In the spring, her mother brought her to this Christian bookstore to get her a book on Easter. ( Note: I was not there but I had to hear about this long enough that I know the story inside out. ) The clerk asked her, “little girl, do you know what this book is about?’ to which she confidently replied, ‘Easter.’ He continued, ‘..And do you know what Easter is all about,’ and she replied as she looked down at her feet, ‘Yeah… Jesus died.’ Happy to hear her response, he said, ‘That’s very good… and do you know what happens next..’

Her head and shoulders drooped. She went limp and slowly rolled her head up as she kept her jaw loose and in her most demonic voice shouted,’ Jesus… ZOMBIED…’ and lunged at the counter grabbing and chomping at the clerks hand. Her mother screamed, the clerk backed against the wall, and she continued, ‘Repent and give me your brains!’ then proceeded to lunch and snap at the clerk. Her mother, mortified, dragged her from the store and flew over to the house.
‘What are you teaching my child!?!’ she barked. I replied, ‘ I don’t know, what did she do?’ As she tells the story I had to sit down because I was laughing so hard. She finished her story and asked what I had to say for myself. I coughed my laughter to a stop. Rose from the couch, turned my foot in, loosened my jaw, lowered my brow, cocked my head and shout ‘BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNSSSSS!’. I then lumbered after her. I chased her out of the house, across the lawn, and down the block… as her daughter laughed and cheered. After running around a bit, she gave in, became a zombie and we all went inside to eat some internal organs (Strawberry Jell-O).


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