Zombie Combat

Zombie Combat – Zombie Stomp

Ozzy Osbourne's song Zombie Stomp inspires this month's Zombie Combat column...

Zombie Combat – Zombie Stomp

This is the fifth installment of the The Zombie Combat series. We’ve examined how one might handle a zombie outbreak on a bus, a cruise ship or even in a Sears retail store. What became painfully obvious after a short time was (is), there is only so much one could write about engaging the walking dead in mêlée combat. How many ways can you write, ‘find a weapon and hit or shoot the zombie in the head‘?

Sidenote. I am a huge fan of old school Ozzy Osbourne. One of my favorite albums is No More Tears, which had a great track on side two of the cassette. [I just lost about 75% of the readers with that anecdote, didn’t I?] The song was Zombie Stomp…. and it has nothing to do with zombies. It dealt with Ozzy’s addiction to prescription painkillers.

I happened to be listening to some Ozzy while brainstorming for this month’s Zombie Combat column and remembered this song. The idea popped in my head, what if you didn’t have any access to a weapon and you had to duel a zombie to death with our bare hands and feet?

Scenario

This is not a first encounter event. The next issue at hand, is the state of decay of this particular walking cadaver. Brittle neck bones in the zombie’s rot would aid in destroying the brain or brainstem, but still it would be difficult to accomplish. Assuming you have the required level of skill in any martial art you choose, how do you then go about using fists of fury to dispose of the undead?

Solution

Truthfully, there aren’t many options available for this predicament. Remember the Ozzy song? Knocking the zombie to the ground and performing what is known as a ‘curb stomp’ would be your best bet. A curb stomp is a brutal and lethal tactic used in streetfights. After one opponent knocks the other over (usually rendering them unconscious) they’ll proceed to stomp the individual’s head against a concrete street curb or other solid object.  Inflicting massive trauma, it is a fatal blow and most often considered an act of homicide in a court of law.  (*See below)

Curb Stomp

Assuming the zombie lacks coordinated motor skills, aka Hell of the Living Dead, and you can effortlessly maneuver around them, the first thing you will need to do is knock the zombie down. Accomplish this any number of ways. For example you could use a tae kwon do style throw, or just a good ‘ol fashion bull rush and plant your shoulder full speed into the ghoul’s solar plexus. If the zombie is not already face down, flip it over. Try to do this by grabbing the legs, so you can keep a maximum distance from the zombie chompers.

Here comes the messy part. Now that you’ve got the back of the zombie’s head exposed, don’t waste any time delivering a crushing downward blow with your foot. Likely it’s going to take multiple stomps, so get to it! Don’t stop until the brain squirts out of the shattered cranial vault, and then give it (the brain) one more good kick, just to be sure it’s DEAD.

Historical Precedent

Late in September 1987, the world lost one of the greatest musicians of the 20th century. The prodigy of bass guitar, Jaco Pastorius was beaten to death outside of a Ft. Lauderdale night club. Suffering a massive brain hemorrhage he died in a coma a few days later. While no eyewitness reports of the murder exist, legend has it that Pastorius was indeed curb stomped by the bouncer who later plead guilty. Medical evidence, a fractured skull, further corroborates this hypothesis.

For more reading on the awe-inspiring and tragic life of the music genius, check out Bill Milkowski’s book, Jaco: The Extraordinary and the Tragic Life of Jaco Pastorius, “the World’s Greatest Bass Player”.

Odds of Survival

B+

These odds reflect many variables, so it can be tough to determine a definitive score.  An individual’s leg strength as well as their proclivity to enact extreme acts of physical violence will come into play here. We’re discussing the horribly gruesome task of smashing a reanimated corpse’s brain out after all.  Also, if the zombie in question was relatively ‘fresh’ or was a ‘rage’ or ‘running’ zombie, the odds that you would be able to successfully curb stomp one would decrease dramatically.

 


Zombie Combat is a series that investigates hypothetical situations involving the undead in mêlée combat.  Will you fight, run, or hide?  Have a suggestion for Zombie Combat? Leave a comment below or email JohnjRambeaux@Yahoo.com.

Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me, I didn't ask you! And I did what I had to do to win!

2 comments on “Zombie Combat – Zombie Stomp

  1. Henry DeShazo

    John- I’ve read your few “undead” articles and have enjoyed the questions you posit and imagine answers for. There’s a youtube channel called “Zombie Go Boom” (ZGB) that you and your readers should check out; lot’s of practical information there that’s relevant to what you write about in this article.

    Like

    • John J. Rambeaux

      Henry,

      Thanks for reading the Zombie Combat articles on The Dead Walk. I’m glad you enjoy them, and hopefully you find them useful, funny and insightful. Maybe just a little non-sense to ‘stretch your brain’ and wonder ‘what if there really was a zombie attack?’

      Like

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